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Thursday, March 8, 2012

My First Blooming Daffodils - Hope for Tomorrow

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning" -- Albert Einstein

As I approach my first oncologist's visit since my bad reaction to Chemo #2, I go back for a "re-evaluation" of the situation today. Tomorrow I go to the radiologist to make a mold of my body that will hold me still for precision. They will also make three small tattoo dots (so they can position me exactly the same every time) -- but they only have blue ink -- I asked why not hot pink and he said no one had ever asked.... maybe that is an idea?

More tomorrow.

Thursday 03-08-12

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

When I was little and lonely, I used to tell myself (ok, now I admit 'kid' myelf) that I would never be lonely again. I have learned  through painful experience that I have to be happy within, happy being alone, happy just being me. When I thought it couldn't get any darker, it did, and when I couldn't go any lower, I did. It has become crystal clear. Love thyself. It is at this point of limbo where I have no idea where my treatment will go next, I feel uncertain.

Walking out on the deck this morning and slipping on the plastic beads that used to fill Cannon's "wildcat" and cutting myself on the "lock pickers" (opened paper clips) while en route to fill the wood boxes (I keep the fire going all day and it keeps the chill out), I nearly burst into tears -- feeling so vulnerable -- how had two smooth talkers so violated my space -- so much for thinking they at least respected #71) it felt like I had been raped (and I have on several occasions). When I returned the call of the one mother who wanted to know why her son was deposited at her doorstep very early Saturday morning -- she accused, first, didn't listen, accused back, and then hung up on me.

I just have to remember "a few of my favorite things"......


Monday, March 5, 2012


Not surprisingly "More Interesting Facts" (2012) reveals that '[s]ocial isolation adversely affects breast cancer. Breast cancer facts that a socially isolated, stressful environment can speed up the growth of breast cancer in animal models. Conzen and her colleagues randomly assigned mice that were genetically susceptible to breast cancer to live either in isolation or in group housing. The outcome showed that social isolation can actually change the expression of genes important in the growth of mammary gland tumors".

After my fever spiked at 102;8 a few hours after my last post, I called my oncologist and he admitted me to the hospital in "reverse isolation" meaning that everyone who entered my closed and sterile room had to be masked, gloved, and gowned fully. Needless to say, this combined with a lack of seeing any facial expressions or any physical touch other than changing the input or removing blood from the tube emanating from my chest, was quite depressing. My white blood count went over the days from .5, .6, 1,5, 1.6, and 1.7 at which point the IV antibiotic was enough to treat my risk of infection. Needless to say, I was very glad to be released last night, and so happy to be home in my own bed. I am now on oral antibiotics, my chemo for the week is cancelled, and we have to reconoiter to make a new plan. Who knows. I just want to be able to hug my loving children, and not have other teens try to trick mine into letting them stay in an empty house (which they trashed, including fires in the driveway, trash can, fireplace, and on top of the propane tank -- how much non-common sense do children have today?

Today I am very cynical, and after spending 3 hours cleaning the house from the chaos it was in from being parentless for 5 days, I am in bed trying to think "happy thoughts" (ha ha). Clearly I need more social support, but knowing very few people  here, I have to rely on those generous ones who are willing to take the risk to invest in getting to know me better, or who live far away and cannot give me a hug. Now I owe a phone call (or do I? This is the second time I have been bamboozled by the boy) to the mother who demanded to know why I had the police physically drive her child home at 2:30 in the morning (he managed to leave his glass pipe here, where it shall stay) "what did you do that for"?

Stardate 3.5.2012.